Newly Single Who Gets the Friends?

Newly Single Moms: You Get the House, He Gets the Car, You Get the Vacation Home but Who Gets the Friends

One year, couples are planning vacations, children birthday parties and anniversary dinners together and the next year, something seems off. It seems to have happened in the blink of an eye. One of the couples are splitting up and going their separate ways. This can be a trying time for the couple, children, pets and everyone else involved.

Divorcing or splitting-up comes with an enormous amount of pressure, even when it’s amicable. There are always decisions to be made. In most cases, careful thought and planning go into deciding who gets the house, car and other valuables. A great deal of planning and emotions are involved with negotiating arrangements for spending time with the children. This can go on for months and sometimes years. Eventually, it’s all settled. At least you thought so until you realize it’s the 4^th of July and you didn’t get that annual invite to “Justin and Cheryl’” annual BBQ. Wait, did it get lost in the mail? Perhaps they sent digital invites this year and it went to spam. Maybe you overlooked it when going through last month’s mail. You slowly begin to realize that why all of these are reasonable possibilities. They’re simply not realistic. You’ve just experienced one of the biggest and most hurtful casualties of divorce, the loss of friends you thought you’d have for a lifetime.

Make the Decision

Most couples going through divorce or separation fail to realize that their friends are a part of the package that needs to be divided in the divorce. This may sound a bit inhuman, but it’s true. Most friends feel stuck and have no idea which way to turn after the divorce or separation is final. Unlike you, they didn’t have the opportunity to sit down to devise a schedule to show who gets invited to which events or which one of you gets asked to the kid’s birthday parties this year. It’s a tough decision to make and sometimes, no one makes it, which means someone or both of you will get left out of the equation.

There is a solution to solve this issue before it turns into a divorce among friends. It does help for the couple to talk with each other to decide what will be best for everyone. In an amicable break-up, it may be easy for both people to be included in events and activities. Once everything else is settled, the former couple should discuss what their level of comfort is for social interaction. It is important to be honest with each other but most importantly, be honest with yourself. If you feel you can attend engagements where your ex is a guest also, by all means, do so. However, keep in mind that it may be difficult to truly readjust to single life when exposing yourself to your ex. It may be best to allow a little time to pass before attempting to travel the same friend circle as your ex. If circumstances were less than cordial during the break-up, other arrangements should be made when it comes to maintaining friendships with friends that you both share. The last thing you want to do is create an uncomfortable environment for what should be a friendly get-together.

Have the Talk

Once both parties have discussed how they’re most comfortable proceeding in social circles, it’s time to talk with friends. This can be done together or separately. The key is to both come from a place of peace and genuine goodness. Consider that your friends don’t want to lose either of you, but things will be different moving forward. Let your friends know that the two of you have decided that “this” works best for each of you. “This” could mean moving forward without seeing your friends for a little while or wanting to be involved in every activity they sponsor. It’s the reassurance your friends need to let them know that it’s okay to be cordial towards and interact with both. During breakups sometimes feel the need to choose sides. This creates more problems, and after going through what you just went through, you don’t need more problems. Change is evident with divorce, and though it will be awkward moments at times, it is possible to maintain the circle of friends that you both adore. Make the decision, have the talk and move forward to create wonderful memories after the break-up.

This article was originally posted on Midlife Single Mommy.com

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